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Giggling in Pain

So in the spring of 1994 Kurt Cobain died.

Might not mean much to most, but to me it did.

Not that I was one of the fanatical Nirvana kids—not even close. But somehow Kurt Cobain had affected me.

Maybe it was what he said, or how he said it.

But really I think it was just the music.

Which he would have been glad to hear.

I don’t think I even realized it at the time, but as much as I found emotional freedom in Nirvana’s magic, it was totally hopeless.

“Nothing” was the fundamental message.

The bohemians failed, love and peace and all that crap lost to money and power and socio-economic darwinism.

And our generation was not going to be made a fool of like the one before.

So we avoided.

The only unforgivable sin was to care too much about anything.

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Cancer Boy

When I was 21 I was diagnosed with cancer.

Testicular cancer actually, which was kind of en vogue in 2000. Celebrities like Lance Armstrong (hardly a celebrity before his cancer) and Tom Green (remember Tom Green?) were making national headlines enduring treatments and starting a very important conversation about the risk of testicular cancer among young men.

Turns out it really isn’t so glamorous.

In a lot of cases it is treatable though. If you can catch it early.

Of course since most guys that have this type of cancer are cock-sure college age guys who (like me) are in no hurry to get their balls checked out by the part-time nurse at the free clinic, it quite often goes undetected longer than it should.

My diagnosis and first surgery did kind of add to my celebrity around college. Whereas before I went pretty much undetected, I could now be recognized as “cancer boy.”

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24 Words of Wisdom for a 17-yr-old Me

Kind of hard to believe I’m nearly twice my age. If I could give my 17-year-old self some wisdom, what would it be?

  1. Be a friend to the weird kids. They have much to teach you.
  2. Don’t obsess about girls so much.
  3. Stop pretending you don’t obsess about girls.
  4. Raise more hell. Right now is your only chance.
  5. Don’t wait til you’re 21 to start reading.
  6. Save your sketches and writings.
  7. Your friends are also struggling with porn and also terrified to talk to anyone about it. Break the ice.
  8. You’ll never stop sinning. No one will. You’re totally missing the point.
  9. Your parents are going to be o.k. somehow.
  10. You are less o.k. than you realize. Get some help (you’re gonna have to be brave though).
  11. The truth really does set you free.
  12. You don’t have to be good at drawing to be a good artist.
  13. God’s will isn’t a mystery. You’re living it.
  14. Stop and ask directions right away.
  15. Don’t take your balls for granted.
  16. Riding the bench is a waste of your time.
  17. Have a small adventure every day. Have big adventures regularly.
  18. She’s not The One. Not even close. In fact she doesn’t even really like you that much.
  19. That Looney Tunes shirt you’re saving will never be back in style, not even in an ironic way.
  20. Take sports less serious. In fact, take just about everything less serious.
  21. Hang onto your friends. (spoiler: you actually do this and it is pretty amazing)
  22. There might actually be folks that don’t attend Calvary Baptist in heaven.
  23. Being a grown-up is kind of a drag sometimes. Don’t be in such a hurry.
  24. Don’t let fear get to you. The future is o.k. (and Saved by the Bell reruns are still on. aw yeah!)

This post was inspired by Andrea’s list.

Aurthur Fonzarelli vs. Alex P. Keaton

The Fonz

When I was a kid I wanted to be The Fonz.

Who didn’t though… really?

He rode a motorcycle, lived in an over-garage apartment, was super-popular with the ladies, had enough confidence to dance and even had the power to defeat Mork in a battle of appendages (an unfortunate episode)…

and unlike most guys who ride motorcycles and live in over-garage apartments and dance and are good with “ladies,” The Fonz was actually cool.

and to top it all off he was even compassionate. He befriended the otherwise-camouflage Richie Cunningham and his neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie friends Ralph and Potsie. Fonzie’s big heart gave me hope that someone as cool might take the otherwise-camouflage me under his wing (and that I might become just as cool as a result).

But becoming Fonzie wasn’t my only vision, I was also pretty impressed with Alex P. Keaton.

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Getting Old

I was standing in line at a hospital and the man in front of me said his birthdate was 1919 or something like that.

I almost started crying.

Not because I felt compassionate for this lonely soul, but because the thought crossed my mind, “I could live to be ninety.”

It had been a while since I’d had any expectations of growing old, but the fact is… I still have a pretty good chance.

And that quite honestly freaked me out.

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